Sunday, 21 June 2015

Why it's OK not to be OK

Not sure what is possessing me to write this post, might be something to do with the fact that I've attempted it several times and failed, might be something to do with the fact that I've turned down seeing friends on this sunny Sunday instead to sit in, on my own, despite knowing I would have a good time.

Why? Well sometimes I just battle with too much anxiety and self doubt that I cancel plans or just shut off, despite living and working in the world of social media, actually being social is sometimes a battle between wanting, and actually being able to be just that, social.

It's odd really because over the years, having seen many a specialist, talking it out for what would amounts to hundreds of hours and knowing what helps etc, sometimes I just cant practice what I preach. I will happily sit and tell others how to cope with stress and anxiety, but I categorically cannot take my own advice. And when I do, the times when I decide I will do what I want, I then spend hours dissecting how that action have affected those around me, how they now feel about me.

Basically arrrrgghhhhh! At times it really does my head in. I have ONE life, and so do we all, so why the bloody hell do we not live it. Why am I consumed with a million considerations rather than the fly by the seat of my plans attitude which I so desperately want?

Me sitting here and writing this doesn't make me vulnerable, far from it. I'm not ashamed, I could talk for hours about anxiety, depression and the various methods of dealing with it. Funnily enough the one thing I'm not thinking about whilst writing this is what people with think of me by the time they get to the end of the post.

But what I am thinking about.....well that list is endless. My work, my weight, my worth due to my weight, my hobbies, my fitness, my past, every tiny bit of food I eat, my future, money, friends, social arrangements etc. etc. You see where I'm coming from?

To all intents and purposes I look like someone who should have their shit together, who has relatively little to moan about and who has whatever future she wants ahead of her. But sometimes it's not possible to be the person to see that, the prospects, the future and the gratitude for what is.

My point to this post? It could be anyone! It's not just me, it could be that person sitting next to you at work, on the train or wherever. Consider that. 1 in 5 women and 1 in 8 men suffer either anxiety or depression, and yet not enough is said about it. One day everything may be hunky dory, the next minute it's impossible to see the wood from the trees, and why? Even after all these years I can't answer that.

The point of this is not some sort of pitty party, it's not a cry for attention it's just for acknowledgment. Acknowledgment that actually sometimes it's OK not to be OK.

So for now, I'm off to watch some trash TV, plan my week ahead, and realign my thought to more positive outlooks.

Happy Sunday you lovely bunch.

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