Thursday, 7 July 2016

My "Brave" Decision To Bare My Bikini Body

I've been that person who over the past 10 years had decided 'one day I'll post a pic on holiday in my swimwear'. That person always deciding next year was the year I was going to be happy in the skin I was in and as a result, never living for the now!

But let's be real? What a load of bollocks that was. Why should I even care about a small action which slimmer people do without a care in the world whilst posing at a bar in Ibiza sipping a mojito?! This year I finally decided that to f*ck with this, this was me, this was how I was, it was my body, what the shitting hell was I waiting for? Waiting till I was 5 mins from death to realise that I'd wished I was content in my own skin all these years?

It's bloody awful hating yourself you know! Awful!! I can sit and admire these absolutely stunning plus size, normal size and slim beauties I follow on social media and think how absolutely stunning they are, all the while hating the card I was dealt.

So somewhere along this holiday or slightly before, something changed! I decided I wasn't going to listen to that self loathing voice in my head, I should appreciate what I have. I'm fit, healthy and living for Christ sake, why was I so hung up on what I looked like in the eyes of others?

And actually in the eyes of others I'm admired, not blowing my own trumpet but there is a man on this earth who is my biggest fan, loves me worts and all; friends who tell me I look good on a night out and a sister who is endlessly telling me I'm a stunner. So why oh why is it that we only listen to that self hating little gremlin telling us we aren't good enough.

I tell you what's not good enough, passing each day waiting for a day you are a better version of yourself, and in my case it's all physical. I'm not hoping I'm a better human being, a better friend or listener, I'm hoping I look a certain way, and how very shallow that is really. When I could be someone who is less able bodied than I am, then I'd wish I appreciated this body when I had it.

Anyway, reflections over, I decided one way I would get over it in this social media fuelled world was to post a bikini shot.

2 things to note, I never really wore a two piece and I never in all my life thought I would ever show my skin baring body to the whole internet.

So I did it! I posted my #beachbody and It was met with 'your brave' or 'you look great no matter what size you are' .

But that's not what I was after. I was after a freedom, a freedom from self hating that actually this small act seemed to give me. I had this feeling of 'like it or loath it, this is me!'.

Do you know what's sad?! I lost 11 followers the first day I posted a bikini pic! But thankfully, do you know what it made me laugh! These people were mere specks in any human being I would waste my precious time on.

So, even though I am on a pursuit to like myself a little more, that little Instagram post freed me from some sort of worry and self hate I had going on, and I'm finally a little closer on accepting myself exactly as I am, and being unashamedly me.

I s'pose I have all the wonderful bloggers like Daniel Vanier and Callie Thorpe to thank for that, or some sort of louder voice in my head over powering the awful little never ending voices of loathing.

Whatever it was, I class this, whilst sitting poolside in Spain, as a new chapter.