Friday, 10 March 2017

It's OK To Want To Get Married

I think it's fair to say it's taken/taking me some time to come to terms with the fact that I am getting married. That's not to say I'm not overwhelmingly happy with this prospect, it's just that I never really saw it in my future. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that way either, being 28 with a string of failed relationships behind me, as a result leaving me working through the reality of being someones wife to really settle with me.

I've been trying to put the pieces together as to why I feel this way, and why I never really saw being someones wifey (I swear he can never call me that ha) in my future.

I guess there's several reasons... Firstly, I've not really been surrounded by lasting relationships, for a long long long time my mum always said to me through my childhood that she didn't believe in marriage (with one failed marriage behind her). I couldn't so much as suggest that one day I wanted to get married without feeling like I would disappoint her feminist ideals in some way. I suppose mums abject detest for marriage ingrained a feeling in me that marriage was some kind of gushy luxury that wouldn't mean anything at all aside from a piece of paper and a man's ownership of me.

Secondly, I've had a string of failed relationships, looking back I was too young to even be in relationships, but hey they have led me to this point. The point here is that when another relationship failed, I always decided it was because of me. Sometimes the other person really made me feel that way, sometimes it clearly just wasn't meant to be. But as a result there's always been that feeling that really, no relationship is permanent, simply just another chapter in my life with different characters passing through, and I think I thought that that too was OK.

Thirdly, I kind of feel like I'm just not bride material and never will be, that's not to say I'm not wife material, I've got that shit down! What I'm about to say isn't for want of a pity party over here, no way! Essentially though, I just feel like I've never really loved myself enough for someone else to love me. Surely I will look like a fraud walking down an isle in a while dress? It's taking time but that one I'm really working on. I just don't want to spend the day feeling like a phony, struggling to enjoy myself without feeling self conscious.

And finally, when the hell did I become old enough for marriage to be considered the next step in my adult relationship? Am I not 17 still? The thought of getting married and being a wife; I'm not going to lie, makes me feel so bloody old! It's terrifying me that life is really passing me by in the blink of an eye. One minute I looked like a 8 year old little boy going to street dance classes, now I'm old enough to walk down the isle without having to get eloped in Gretna Green. I mean what?!

As each day passes and the wedding get's ever closer I still work my way through these feelings. There's no part of me who doesn't want to be his wife, not one ounce. It's just coming to terms with expectations vs reality, and working through understanding that it's OK to want these things and to be fulfilled by them.

Does any of that make sense? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been in this position.

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